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Marriage Enrichment Videos
The following marriage enrichment videos are designed to be shown in church services.
The first five videos are brief (i.e. about 3-4 minutes each). They each address one of the four conflict styles that best predict divorce – and a fifth video on “kindness” (which is the great “fog cutter”/problem solver of marriage difficulties). As healthy churches we want to help couples eliminate or greatly minimize these conflict styles and increase kindness in their marriages.
Church members can simply watch the videos when they are shown in church. Or they may watch the video and then get the associated handout(s) (either provided by the church or on the Turning Point Counseling website). Additionally, they may also watch the two “long” videos (about an hour each) and hear the featured couple’s full story and counseling sessions. (Also on the Turning Point Counseling website.)
We also highly recommend that couples get the book A Lasting Promise by Dr. Scott Stanley. (Scott is a gifted researcher, psychologist and Christian leader.)
The first five videos are brief (i.e. about 3-4 minutes each). They each address one of the four conflict styles that best predict divorce – and a fifth video on “kindness” (which is the great “fog cutter”/problem solver of marriage difficulties). As healthy churches we want to help couples eliminate or greatly minimize these conflict styles and increase kindness in their marriages.
Church members can simply watch the videos when they are shown in church. Or they may watch the video and then get the associated handout(s) (either provided by the church or on the Turning Point Counseling website). Additionally, they may also watch the two “long” videos (about an hour each) and hear the featured couple’s full story and counseling sessions. (Also on the Turning Point Counseling website.)
We also highly recommend that couples get the book A Lasting Promise by Dr. Scott Stanley. (Scott is a gifted researcher, psychologist and Christian leader.)
Marriage Enrichment Introduction
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Escalation
Mind Reading
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Withdrawal
Kindness
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Criticism to Requests
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Full Length Counseling Sessions
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TPC Marriage Video – Markers
Full Session #1 0:00 Meet Danny and Rio – the Pinch and the Pain in Their Marriage Background info – and "pinch and pain". - Time management and conflict resolution are their major points of pain - Rio works full-time and goes to school – Danny is in the gym and needs help with meal prep – all are pursuing their own goals – Rio manages the schedules in their phones. - regarding conflict Rio likes "closure now" - Danny likes things "open ended" - every other weekend is a date weekend – the kids are with their ex-spouses. 4:26 Danny Talks as if He’s Rio – Rio laughs Danny says as if he is Rio - "I’m not trying to start an argument, but I work full-time. I’m not asking you to clean the whole house. If you could just help me a little. He’s so sexy when he vacuums…". "I wish people would come over more often – the house gets cleaned." (They are pre-emptive. State their intention. Make requests. And do a "repair" – Danny shows he understands and uses humor appropriately.) 5:30 Do It Now or Do It Later? Rio says that she’s a "do it right now" and Danny’s "do it later person”. 7:00 “He Calls Me an Angry Leprechaun!” Conflict Style #1 – ESCALATION "I’m a small person and I get very loud. I feel like he’s not hearing me, so I need to get louder – then he calls me and angry leprechaun." 9:36 Rio says, “I Close the Door.” Conflict Style #2 – WITHDRAWAL “When I close the door, it drives him crazy.” Rio 10:17 More on Escalation The truth most often does NOT come out when we or our loved one is upset. Police officers often hate trying to deal with irrational people on domestic dispute calls. Escalation and traumatic events can shut of the left side of the brain – the rational part of our minds. It’s hard to solve anything while we are in this state. 12:42 Isn't Timeout the Same Thing as Withdrawal? – No, it’s not! Ground rule: No “Divorce talk” – or innuendos (Like, ‘That’s it.’, ‘I’m done.’, etc.). 14:41:21 The Five-Minute Timeout. How to call one… (See the handout on the Five-Minute Timeout.). You need the spiritual character quality of ‘self-control’. (that’s the last character quality found in the Fruit of the Spirit. (Galatians 5: 22-23). 17:13 Please Understand Me! “You aren’t listening to hear me. You are listening to respond.” Danny 70 to 80% of marriage problems are gone – with understanding!! - Hebrews 14:14-16 (Jesus is the great High Priest who understands us because he walks in our shoes.) Jesus went to great lengths to understand us – now let’s go to great lengths to understand our mate. “I want to fix it, she wants to be heard.” Danny 19:56 When Timeouts Are Not Honored… 22:07 Withdrawal and the five-minute time out... The great expectation of marriage – that we have a deep emotional relationship – the ‘emotional bridge’ or what the Bible calls ‘Oneness’ Genesis 2:24. 25:22 Prayer and spiritual intimacy “I think prayer gets glossed over too much in marriage.” Danny “I feel really connected we pray together.” Rio 29: 00 About premarital and Christian counseling 29:39 How Danny and Rio’s marriage almost ended… 39:14 – “Rio, I will never abandon you!” Story –Rio had abandonment in her life – raised by her grandparents. Danny says “Rio, I will never abandon you”- “We are married!” 40:54 - Marital disciplines and “wedding vow stuff” The homework – Danny to research online “wedding vows” - and express his thoughts (from his research) to Rio. Rio is to express appreciation to Danny. Call - five-minute time outs... Change criticisms to request starting with "Will you…?" Mid-life for men and the desire for appreciation from their wife. Rio – “I’m Danny’s biggest cheerleader.” 48:43 - When Danny and Rio were on shaky ground… The most successful people in the world reach out for help. Non-Escalation – Proverbs 25:15 “Through patience a King can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone.” 53:09 - INVALIDATION and CRITICISM – Conflict Style #3 – Intro Like the coupon that is worthless (invalid) – we dismiss the important feelings and opinions of our mate when we invalidate. Criticism is when we say of are told why out mate does not measure up – or meet the grade. It usually puts our partner on the defense and defensiveness tens to kill emotional closeness. “I feel Danny was very critical of me. I felt I could never measure up. I felt he would set me up.” Rio A criticism is a request gone bad. When faced with a criticism ask “What would you like? OR “Do I hear a request brewing?” We are looking for a concrete request. Requests start with “WILL YOU…?” (Which is a posture of vulnerability – which is needed for intimacy.) make POLITE REQUESTS of each other. GROUNDRULE: You can ask for anything you want as long as you are polite and respectful. (Kids included.) 1:06:50 - Perception The waitress asks, “Does everything taste OK?”. She cares about your perception. DEBATING and EDUCATING your mate’s perception usually results in disaster. Arguing and cerebral debating is – “neck up” – and most often does not result in the emotional connection we desire. 1:15:00 - Some homework for Danny and Rio The woman who whispered to her 10-year-old after years of yelling…”. 1:19:46 - Validating your mate’s feelings Re-assurance is repetitive. It’s fragile world. (we say “I love you” over and over to our children – and to our mate too!). |
TPC Marriage Video – Markers
Full Session #2 0:00 More on Escalation and “the Angry Leprechaun”. 2:08 Kindness – “a surprise kind” – Rio cried. 4:43 Criticism to Requests – Danny is blunt and Rio needs sugar on it. Son’s soccer practice story… 9:45 Mindreading or Assigning Motives – telling each other what they are thinking or feeling. 12:17 Welcome back and check in on Homework (Making Requests, the Five-Minute Timeout… Reassurance or “Weddings Vow Stuff”.) Rio says that now Danny has a “criticism filter” now! Rio expressed “Appreciation” to Danny. 19:52 Review of first three Conflict Styles Escalation, Withdrawal and Criticism Money in the marriage bank – or “Margin” / “Divorce Talk” The vulnerability of “asking” starting with “Will you…”. 24:08 Invalidation and the four steps of Validation – Little things on the surface often have deep symbolic meaning Rio validates Danny’s feeling of hurt, being ignored, annoyed and angry. (In less than 15 seconds!). 31:35 Perception – the Waitress Story… 34:06 More on - Fourth Conflict Style: Negative Interpretation (Mindreading) We may doubt our loved one’s motives but not dictate them. 39:25 Emotional Intimacy: and the Feeling Wordlist Check-in (exercise). |
